Six months on hormones…

And life may be changing quite quickly…  Based on the changes that I’ve already seen, I’m afraid that I may be forced to fully transition sooner than my original projections, which may not necessarily be a bad thing.  At the rate I’m going, I think I’m gonna need to be full time by this time in 2012…right in time for the END OF THE WORLD!  (Sorry, caffeine….)

Right now, I’m attempting to work with voice training via CD.  Unfortunately, the local voice therapists are not responding to my e-mail…which could be something misbehaving with my provider.  At least one of the e-mail addresses is on Yahoo, which regularly misbehaves when talking to Gmail.  As such, I’m working with Fundamentals of Your Feminine Voice…We’ll see how this actually works.  I’ve worked with Lynn in the past, for all of one session, before I got laid off in Colorado and had to move for work.  Now, I’m moving along at my pace, trying to figure it out for myself.  Maybe I’ll get lucky.

For my next trick, truly learning make up, fixing my voice, and finding a nice feminine style that suits me without being too .. flamboyant, I guess.  I just want to be able to pass seamlessly into normal every day society.  Wow, there are lots of little nuances with being a girl that most of them probably don’t even know.

Well, the bed doth call.  I think that I’m going to at least attempt to write more often.

Long time no write…

…and I blame work.  It would seem that the words of Sun Tsu ring oh so very true when he declared:

Military tactics are like unto water; for water in its natural course runs away from high places and hastens downwards... Water shapes its course according to the nature of the ground over which it flows; the soldier works out his victory in relation to the foe whom he is facing. Therefore, just as water retains no constant shape, so in warfare there are no constant conditions. He who can modify his tactics in relation to his opponent and thereby succeed in winning, may be called a heaven-born captain. (Sun Tsu)

though this is often simplified to “no plan, no matter how well conceived, ever survives first contact with the enemy.”  And that seems to be the story of my life at the moment.  I seem to spend most of my time adjusting my plans to accommodate changes in my situation.

So, my plans are in constant flux as I try to figure things out and make myself move forward.  I’m bored with the stagnation that seems to surround my transition, and I’m sick of my own indecision.  So, I am going to push myself on the path.

For now, my plan is to work on getting permanent hair removal (I need sources for electrolysis still, but I think I have somewhere to start working on the laser to go in tandem with electrolysis).  Second step is to start spending time outside of work as a girl.  That is the part that really scares me, honestly.  I do not feel that I can pass as a girl at the moment, considering that I have limited practice.  The only way to get the practice, however, is to practice.  So, thus, practice I must do.

My ultimate goal is to be living fully part time as a girl (meaning, everywhere outside of work) by May of next year, and to be living full time as a girl (in and outside of work) by October of 2012.  Now, we’ll see if I can make the plan to fit the strategy.

In other news, I finally quit smoking entirely.  It’s been a bumpy ride, but so far so good.  I still have thoughts and desires for cigarettes, but I’m not acting on them.  I’m doing much better than a week ago, and it’s getting easier.  I think I may have finally kicked it for good.  This pleases me greatly.

Well, that’s about the update.  Now I can go another two months without writing in this blog (though, I will try to write more often than that).

Not quite sure where to go from here

I find that stress causes a serious negative repercussion in me...specifically, a depression. While I'm not entirely certain if that is a typical thing or not, I know it's normal with me. And here we are again, a bit of heightened stress today and a wave of depression tonight.

In a lot of ways, I think that the stress gets me thinking on several areas, which turns around and gets me thinking on more areas, and so on, creating a nice spiral of logic that drives me into the ground. Case in point, here I am, twenty eight years old, and the only real goal that I've accomplished successfully is that I'm still alive. I'm no closer to my transition than I was nearly five years ago, which is probably my biggest frustration. Five years ago, I started seeing a counselor about being transgender and my inherit gender dysphoria. Unfortunately, I'm still seeing a counselor (not the same one) and not sure how to go about transitioning. I put several road blocks in my own path, both medical and psychological. Medically speaking, I have problems shaving my face, which makes me uncomfortable trying to dress female. Psychologically, I have serious self esteem issues, many of which are deep seated from my child hood bullies. I also need to work on my voice, which I may start doing in the very near future. I need to get past these blocks, and force myself through.

Financially, I'm still working in the computer field. This is driving me crazy because the pay is decent, but the expectations are insane. I can be called into work regardless of when and where, even so far as to be called in from vacation. That is highly disturbing. I don't know how to change it, as I must have a pay check and that is my only marketable skill at the moment. I'm going to school for psychology, though ultimately, I would like to write novels for a living. I doubt that will ever come to pass since that is probably the most cut throat industry out there, and I'm not particularly gifted in that regard.

Given where I am and where I'm going, I don't know where to turn. If only I could find the magical remedy to make me comfortable in my own skin, I could be happier.

On that note, I wonder how much of my interpersonal problems (work and home life) are a direct result of this gender identity disorder I have. That is something I need to note to discuss with my counselor this weekend.

Well, on that note, I think that it's best that I head on to bed while I'm tired. Maybe I'll sleep decently tonight.

Starting off the new year with changes

Well, I already know that I have a lot of things to do this year, both related to the transition and to my personal well being.  Most of these are goals for the year.  (I tend to avoid making New Years Resolutions because it’s very rare that I complete them.)  Here is what I set as this years goals (in order of priority):

1. Get to where I am living full time as my gender identity rather than my biological gender by my 29th birthday.  This is probably my biggest goal of the year, as I am seeing more stress related to the transition than to other things…or, rather, most of my stresses are exponentially compounded by my feeling of stagnation in my transition.
2. Move into my own place by June.  This goal is a bit trickier, as I have to be out of my roommates’ house by then based on prior agreement.  I’m hoping to move into my own house by then, if I can get the money together.  Life is stressing me because I’m not spending much money yet I’m still having problems saving.
3. Quit smoking by my 29th birthday.  I’m sick of it.  Plain and simple.  I’ll probably try to switch to e-cigarettes or the patch while my roommates are out of town for their honeymoon.  The scary part is that will improve the security of the house because I don’t think anyone will be stupid enough to break in while I’m in nicotine withdrawals.
4. Exercising (and loose about 50 pounds) by 29th birthday.  I’m no fool, I need to exercise and drop about fifty pounds.  I hope that I can drop the weight by my 29th birthday.  The main conflicts with this plan is that I need to start exercising at least five days a week; and I hate going to gyms.  So, I’m going to abuse the treadmill and weight bench here at the house.
5. Update Blogger (and Live Journal) more often.  I have two blog accounts that, quite frankly, I have not recently updated…and hardly ever do.  So, I need to either close ‘em or use ‘em.  And the latter will probably be better, though I’m leaning more toward Blogger than LJ anymore.

These are not unobtainable by any means, and I realize that there is a lot “due” on my birthday.  The problem with these goals is that most of them are not things I can drop and run with right this second.  Currently, I’m working at breaking these up into smaller stepping goals.  The theory being that the smaller goals give me a direct focus, leading up to the larger goals.  Here’s to hoping.

As to catch up, 2010 went not with a bang but a whisper.  Part of why I don’t post an awful lot in any blog is because my life is less than interesting.  I’m too tied down behind non-disclosure agreements to mention anything about work, school isn’t very interesting, and that is my life.  I’m hoping to have more regarding my transition from male to female this next year, but I’m not holding my breath.  I guess I could also right computer rants and a few other things here, but I was trying to keep the journal specific to the transition.  Granted, I’m not doing quite as good as I was hoping for but that is life.