I think that I'm living three lives now. Maybe four. And these lives are not very evenly divided. 46% of my time is dedicated to work. 48% of my time is dedicated to school. 6% of my time is personal time. That comes out to 7 hours a week of personal time, which is spent doing my normal (required) things, mainly shower, brushing teeth, et cetera. And that leaves no time for me to really be who I am.
I haven't dressed in "comfortable" clothes in several months, which is rather frustrating, as I am constantly forced to wear this mask that doesn't necessarily map to who I am. I don't know what I should do, as I really want to get my degree, I can't afford to change jobs (especially considering the grass is always greener over the septic tank), and I really think that this is going to drive me over the edge. I am definitely struggling with cognitive dissonance, and definitely on the edge of depression.
This is definitely a stressing point, as there is nothing I really want more than to have the time to really work on my transition. I feel that there are too many requirements right now for me to really be able to fully do my transition. I should do more on the weekends, however I pretty much get up and start working on school work. During the weekend, I wake up and start working on my homework. Then, I brush my teeth, get breakfast, and continue homework, which is my day until I get ready for bed. I've really got to figure this out before I go under.
But, the good news is that I'll be finished with this course soon, and I should get a week off from school. Then, I should have some time to relax before I start on the next summer term. Once done with that, I think I have two weeks, then I start fall which (I really hope) will be much better and less stressed.
Well, I'm off to get to bed.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Interesting I am not.
The more I reflect on things, the more I realize that my I really think my life is quite boring. During the week, I go to work where I spend all day arguing with computer servers. After work, I come home and work on my school work. Then I get some sleep and do it all over again the next day. This monotony is only broken on the weekends, where I wake up and immediately start working on the online courses I'm taking. Which probably explains why I never post much. It also probably explains why I have next to no social life. C'est la vie, I guess. It also probably explains why I feel my transition is going absolutely no where at the moment.
I really need to work on voice, body, hair removal, and other feminization processes before I really feel that I can comfortably present in public. I also need to sit down and have the dreaded conversation with my boss. I am not looking forward to that.
As to the personal work to be done, I'm hoping to get started on hair removal soon, though one place I wanted to try hasn't responded to an e-mail I sent them. I may try calling them on Monday, as they are not open on the weekends. If I can get the electrolysis through them, it would be very nice as they do the Novocaine shots there, which is very beneficial since the topical analgesic don't seem to work for me anyway. If this works correctly, I will be very happy. I just hope that they're willing to stay later on Friday Nights. Since they do the Novocaine there, I might see about getting two hour treatments every time. With that, I should be completely clear inside of two years, and clear enough for presentation inside of six to eight months.
For the voice work, I'm trying to find options to help me learn to talk like a girl. It's not just the range or pitch that defines a voice as masculine or feminine. A woman speaks differently than a man. The language she uses is different, as is the inflections. I'm considering doing the vocal training at TCU that's been recommended by both my old counselor (who is no longer in private practice) as well as my new one. I may have to e-mail my old counselor for the contact information to them again. I just hope that they work on weekends or can otherwise make arrangements.
For the body, I'm working on an exercise routine that will help me to loose the “bad weight” that I seem to have gained somewhere in the past year and a half. This bad weight is mostly in my stomach, however I need to be very careful with how I do the exercising so that I burn the calories off and (at most) tone the muscle that I have. I don't want to add muscle mass if I can at all avoid it. The other things I would like to do are a few feminization things, mainly in the face. Hormones will take care of some, but not all of it, so I'm prepared for some minor corrective surgery.
Speaking of hormones, I am hoping to get to a position where I can adequately start them in the next few months. I know that they will help with several things, including body hair, that will help me to feel more feminine while wearing comfortable clothes. That said, however, I want to go full time as a girl within six months of starting hormones, that way the surgeon that does the gender reassignment surgery (GRS) has plenty of material to work with.
Now with work. For the most part, I don't think that work will be able to really accommodate the changes that I am planning, so once I'm ready to go full time, I may start looking for jobs and interviewing as a girl. This will make some difficulties, especially with the previous position references, however I think that I can probably succeed. This isn't to say that I don't think my present employer is bad. Quite the contrary, I love working with the group. The problem is that I, personally, feel that the transition will cause too much of a distraction or otherwise impede the company's objectives, and that I don't want. I know for fact that there are several there who would have severely negative reactions to the transition, and there would likely be no end to harassment (though I believe that most of it would not be on a conscious level).
Well, that is my current update. I may post more when I'm not quite as sleepy. Or, if my calculations are correct, I'll have my nose buried too deep in studying sociology to be able to write more. Oh, well, 'tis life I suppose.
I really need to work on voice, body, hair removal, and other feminization processes before I really feel that I can comfortably present in public. I also need to sit down and have the dreaded conversation with my boss. I am not looking forward to that.
As to the personal work to be done, I'm hoping to get started on hair removal soon, though one place I wanted to try hasn't responded to an e-mail I sent them. I may try calling them on Monday, as they are not open on the weekends. If I can get the electrolysis through them, it would be very nice as they do the Novocaine shots there, which is very beneficial since the topical analgesic don't seem to work for me anyway. If this works correctly, I will be very happy. I just hope that they're willing to stay later on Friday Nights. Since they do the Novocaine there, I might see about getting two hour treatments every time. With that, I should be completely clear inside of two years, and clear enough for presentation inside of six to eight months.
For the voice work, I'm trying to find options to help me learn to talk like a girl. It's not just the range or pitch that defines a voice as masculine or feminine. A woman speaks differently than a man. The language she uses is different, as is the inflections. I'm considering doing the vocal training at TCU that's been recommended by both my old counselor (who is no longer in private practice) as well as my new one. I may have to e-mail my old counselor for the contact information to them again. I just hope that they work on weekends or can otherwise make arrangements.
For the body, I'm working on an exercise routine that will help me to loose the “bad weight” that I seem to have gained somewhere in the past year and a half. This bad weight is mostly in my stomach, however I need to be very careful with how I do the exercising so that I burn the calories off and (at most) tone the muscle that I have. I don't want to add muscle mass if I can at all avoid it. The other things I would like to do are a few feminization things, mainly in the face. Hormones will take care of some, but not all of it, so I'm prepared for some minor corrective surgery.
Speaking of hormones, I am hoping to get to a position where I can adequately start them in the next few months. I know that they will help with several things, including body hair, that will help me to feel more feminine while wearing comfortable clothes. That said, however, I want to go full time as a girl within six months of starting hormones, that way the surgeon that does the gender reassignment surgery (GRS) has plenty of material to work with.
Now with work. For the most part, I don't think that work will be able to really accommodate the changes that I am planning, so once I'm ready to go full time, I may start looking for jobs and interviewing as a girl. This will make some difficulties, especially with the previous position references, however I think that I can probably succeed. This isn't to say that I don't think my present employer is bad. Quite the contrary, I love working with the group. The problem is that I, personally, feel that the transition will cause too much of a distraction or otherwise impede the company's objectives, and that I don't want. I know for fact that there are several there who would have severely negative reactions to the transition, and there would likely be no end to harassment (though I believe that most of it would not be on a conscious level).
Well, that is my current update. I may post more when I'm not quite as sleepy. Or, if my calculations are correct, I'll have my nose buried too deep in studying sociology to be able to write more. Oh, well, 'tis life I suppose.
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