Last Tuesday and Wednesday, I drove 900 miles from Texas to Florida to see the last launch of the Atlantis shuttle. That was quite nice, as it was a beautiful launch by NASA. The shuttle went up right on time, I believe that it went up right at 2:20 PM EDT on the dot. It was quite breathtaking to watch 2,030 tons of human-made machinery and 6 humans lift from the ground and make a b-line to it's orbital track. I nearly cried after watching the shuttle take off. She flew quite beautifully, and I was extremely happy to see her fly.
In other news, Mom and I had our conversation and it went well. Now I truly feel that I will be able to transition without fear of rejection from her. I also believe that I will not have rejection from my father, as he was quite accepting during and after our conversation several years ago. The rest of the family, however, I rather doubt that I will be able to keep. I think that my grandmother is accepting, and I know that my step brother is; however my biological sister is probably not neither is the rest of my egg-donor's side of the family is not accepting at all.
This is leading to some very tough decisions, of which I believe that I have come to terms with. Unfortunately, I realize that I will lose all contact with the majority of my living family. If things go the way I'm expecting, the way that things are leading, I will have my mom, my dad, and my step brother as my family, combined with my chosen family. The rest of my blood will have nothing to do with the “abomination” that I'm making of my body. My biological sister cannot accept my choice to live my life rather than keep a mask. She is perfectly happy living as a tomboy, but I am not able to live as a male. I guess that it's partly because being a tomboy is perfectly acceptable in this society while being a “sissy” is not socially acceptable. At least, that's my opinion.
I'm going to start counseling here in June. I also hope that I can start permanent hair removal, and slowly start working at my transition. I also need to start working on my voice again. Hopefully, I can be around the house for a few months and try to get comfortable enough to leave the house. I'm very nervous, as I feel there are several markers that would out me.
Well, I'm off to bed. I have a few more days on vacation before I head home.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Moving more toward blogger
Well, I've considered relocating my blog here to Blogger. Realistically, this won't change much on the blog, considering how much I write anyway. My reasons for this follow several considerations. First, LiveJournal is now owned by a Russian company (called SUP: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LiveJournal). While I do not really consider there a problem with it being a Russian company, I do not feel that certain bits of information are "safe" in the laws there. With Blogger (owned by Google), I at least know that there is a reasonable amount of protection for personal information outside of what I choose to share. The second reason is because, in many ways, I am trying to start over with my blogging and actually write one entry a week, probably on Friday, to document my progress through my transition. Granted, this will probably last about one week (this post) but I'm going to make an effort.
The one real problem that I've found so far with Blogger is that they don't have a downloadable desktop client. I know that I can utilize Windows Live Writer, though I'm not entirely sure how well that will work with Blogger. Maybe I can write something if I'm ever not so burned out with computers.
To be completely honest, half of the reason that I don't really update my blog is because I work on computers all day and rarely really want to touch the thing when I'm not at work. The main reason I'm on the computer now is talking to friends on IM who are not in my local area. But, I will bite the bullet and try to update here.
Now, for an update.
Over the past several months, I have not dressed as I would like. Unfortunately, I still posses the fear of showing my real self in public. This isn't to say that there is a problem with being a girl....It's just to say that the idea of dressing "against the norm" rather scares me. Specifically, I have an illogical and irrational fear of being attacked while presenting as a girl. And the attack itself does not scare me, both because I'm a martial artist and tend to legally carry a weapon for self defense. What really frightens me is that I could be placed into a position where I am forced to end the life of someone else in order to save my own, thus staining my hands in their blood. Realistically, I realize that this is a mostly baseless fear, being that I don't live somewhere like the middle east where I would be executed for being me. A good friend helped me to work through the issues, and I feel that it is just my subconscious mind poking at that which does indeed frighten me. As such, I am going to work to conquer this fear and utilize it as a strength.
In other news, I'm headed to Florida to spend time with my family. This will really be the first time that I will be able to talk to my mom without worrying about someone barging into the conversation. For me, this is important, as I discussed being trans with her over the phone but we have yet to actually sit down and talk about it face to face. I guess that happens when we live nearly 900 miles apart. I'm very excited by the idea that I will get a chance to talk to her and hopefully explain things. On the same coin, however, I'm also nervous and uncertain what I should say. I guess that I'll make it up as I go and pray that there is not a miscommunication. Gods willing, things should be fine in the conversation.
I also need to start working on my voice. There are several options for how to proceed with this, though I'm not entirely sure which ones I should take. The other thing that I am doing is looking at getting a new counselor. My previous one switched her focus from individual counseling to education and closed her private practice. She was going to sell her private practice, though I'm not sure where that idea lies. I dropped an e-mail with another counselor and am hoping for a reply soon (in the next week).
Well, that is about all that I can think of to say here. As I said previously, I'm going to try to post at least weekly. Not sure how well that will work out.
The one real problem that I've found so far with Blogger is that they don't have a downloadable desktop client. I know that I can utilize Windows Live Writer, though I'm not entirely sure how well that will work with Blogger. Maybe I can write something if I'm ever not so burned out with computers.
To be completely honest, half of the reason that I don't really update my blog is because I work on computers all day and rarely really want to touch the thing when I'm not at work. The main reason I'm on the computer now is talking to friends on IM who are not in my local area. But, I will bite the bullet and try to update here.
Now, for an update.
Over the past several months, I have not dressed as I would like. Unfortunately, I still posses the fear of showing my real self in public. This isn't to say that there is a problem with being a girl....It's just to say that the idea of dressing "against the norm" rather scares me. Specifically, I have an illogical and irrational fear of being attacked while presenting as a girl. And the attack itself does not scare me, both because I'm a martial artist and tend to legally carry a weapon for self defense. What really frightens me is that I could be placed into a position where I am forced to end the life of someone else in order to save my own, thus staining my hands in their blood. Realistically, I realize that this is a mostly baseless fear, being that I don't live somewhere like the middle east where I would be executed for being me. A good friend helped me to work through the issues, and I feel that it is just my subconscious mind poking at that which does indeed frighten me. As such, I am going to work to conquer this fear and utilize it as a strength.
In other news, I'm headed to Florida to spend time with my family. This will really be the first time that I will be able to talk to my mom without worrying about someone barging into the conversation. For me, this is important, as I discussed being trans with her over the phone but we have yet to actually sit down and talk about it face to face. I guess that happens when we live nearly 900 miles apart. I'm very excited by the idea that I will get a chance to talk to her and hopefully explain things. On the same coin, however, I'm also nervous and uncertain what I should say. I guess that I'll make it up as I go and pray that there is not a miscommunication. Gods willing, things should be fine in the conversation.
I also need to start working on my voice. There are several options for how to proceed with this, though I'm not entirely sure which ones I should take. The other thing that I am doing is looking at getting a new counselor. My previous one switched her focus from individual counseling to education and closed her private practice. She was going to sell her private practice, though I'm not sure where that idea lies. I dropped an e-mail with another counselor and am hoping for a reply soon (in the next week).
Well, that is about all that I can think of to say here. As I said previously, I'm going to try to post at least weekly. Not sure how well that will work out.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)