I find that stress causes a serious negative repercussion in me...specifically, a depression. While I'm not entirely certain if that is a typical thing or not, I know it's normal with me. And here we are again, a bit of heightened stress today and a wave of depression tonight.
In a lot of ways, I think that the stress gets me thinking on several areas, which turns around and gets me thinking on more areas, and so on, creating a nice spiral of logic that drives me into the ground. Case in point, here I am, twenty eight years old, and the only real goal that I've accomplished successfully is that I'm still alive. I'm no closer to my transition than I was nearly five years ago, which is probably my biggest frustration. Five years ago, I started seeing a counselor about being transgender and my inherit gender dysphoria. Unfortunately, I'm still seeing a counselor (not the same one) and not sure how to go about transitioning. I put several road blocks in my own path, both medical and psychological. Medically speaking, I have problems shaving my face, which makes me uncomfortable trying to dress female. Psychologically, I have serious self esteem issues, many of which are deep seated from my child hood bullies. I also need to work on my voice, which I may start doing in the very near future. I need to get past these blocks, and force myself through.
Financially, I'm still working in the computer field. This is driving me crazy because the pay is decent, but the expectations are insane. I can be called into work regardless of when and where, even so far as to be called in from vacation. That is highly disturbing. I don't know how to change it, as I must have a pay check and that is my only marketable skill at the moment. I'm going to school for psychology, though ultimately, I would like to write novels for a living. I doubt that will ever come to pass since that is probably the most cut throat industry out there, and I'm not particularly gifted in that regard.
Given where I am and where I'm going, I don't know where to turn. If only I could find the magical remedy to make me comfortable in my own skin, I could be happier.
On that note, I wonder how much of my interpersonal problems (work and home life) are a direct result of this gender identity disorder I have. That is something I need to note to discuss with my counselor this weekend.
Well, on that note, I think that it's best that I head on to bed while I'm tired. Maybe I'll sleep decently tonight.
