And I survived another semester

Well, I finished this semester at the local community college.  And I survived.  Next, we’ll see if my GPA survived as well.  Looking back on the semester, I can honestly say that I draw much better than at the beginning of the semester (a special thanks to my Drawing I professor) and I can write a little better.  Apparently, from the other students in the Creative Writing I class, I’m a pretty good author to begin with, so I hope that I may be able to finish my story and get it published.

As to my transition, I’m hoping to work on that more.  I haven’t had a lot of time to deal with that because of the semester.  Now that the semester is over, I’m hoping that I’ll be able to actually take time to start going en-femme around the house.  We’ll see what happens.

Nine years...

This is a small poem I wrote yesterday in memory of September 11, 2001.  It's been nine years, and I still have dreams of that day.


It's been nine years,
Yet the memories are fresh.
Many innocents killed
in a senseless attack by those
who seek to force their belief
on others.

These people claim that we
are wrong, that we are not
to pursue our own interests,
that those of Christian, Jewish,
Pagan and other faiths are
infidels who must be shown

the right way or killed for
heresy.  There are those who
say that the attacks were because
of homosexuality, and those who
say it is punishment from God for
stopping prayer in school.  I, however,

say that the attacks are because
a small group of hypocritical
people decided they know all the
answers, and will push them by
force.  May the lesson learned be
of acceptance and peace, and

let us not make those lives lost
be in vain!

My, how things change fast

I am almost done with my sociology class, which will hopefully mean a bit more free time.  I hate feeling like I have spent every bit of my "free" time on school work, giving very little time to my self.  I'm hoping that my speech class will be better, as far as time goes.  And I really hope that it does not mean that I have to go somewhere to give a speech!  Gods, I hate public speaking!

Well, I guess I should post the update.  My cat somehow managed to get something in her eye causing the soft tissue around it to swell.  I took her to the vet, where I now get the distinct displeasure of trying to give her eye drops in that eye twice daily.  I think that giving cats pills is easier than eye drops.

In other news, I'm hoping that I will have more time for "personal care" with my summer two class.  That will allow me the opportunity to really start working on my transition, primarily permanent hair removal.  I'm debating on whether or not to do the laser treatments ($200 per session, if I remember correctly), or electrolysis ($60/hour, again if I remember correctly).  For both, I have a (possibly better?) cream that I wish to try to help numb the area for the treatments.  I prefer laser, as I can withstand great pain over a larger area, rather than electrolysis that has the same level of pain over the area of a needle.  I'm also going to start trying to exercise.  What I really need is a treadmill with a book stand.  Hmm...Maybe I should design one and patent it...  Not likely.

Well, as that is about all that's going on right now, I should probably head to bed.  Tomorrow is going to come way too early as it is.

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"If time flies when you're having fun, it hits the afterburners when you don't think you're having enough." ~Jef Mallett

Balancing lives

I think that I'm living three lives now.  Maybe four.  And these lives are not very evenly divided.  46% of my time is dedicated to work.  48% of my time is dedicated to school.  6% of my time is personal time.  That comes out to 7 hours a week of personal time, which is spent doing my normal (required) things, mainly shower, brushing teeth, et cetera.  And that leaves no time for me to really be who I am.

I haven't dressed in "comfortable" clothes in several months, which is rather frustrating, as I am constantly forced to wear this mask that doesn't necessarily map to who I am.  I don't know what I should do, as I really want to get my degree, I can't afford to change jobs (especially considering the grass is always greener over the septic tank), and I really think that this is going to drive me over the edge.  I am definitely struggling with cognitive dissonance, and definitely on the edge of depression.

This is definitely a stressing point, as there is nothing I really want more than to have the time to really work on my transition.  I feel that there are too many requirements right now for me to really be able to fully do my transition.  I should do more on the weekends, however I pretty much get up and start working on school work. During the weekend, I wake up and start working on my homework.  Then, I brush my teeth, get breakfast, and continue homework, which is my day until I get ready for bed.  I've really got to figure this out before I go under.

But, the good news is that I'll be finished with this course soon, and I should get a week off from school.  Then, I should have some time to relax before I start on the next summer term.  Once done with that, I think I have two weeks, then I start fall which (I really hope) will be much better and less stressed.

Well, I'm off to get to bed.

Interesting I am not.

The more I reflect on things, the more I realize that my I really think my life is quite boring.  During the week, I go to work where I spend all day arguing with computer servers.  After work, I come home and work on my school work.  Then I get some sleep and do it all over again the next day.  This monotony is only broken on the weekends, where I wake up and immediately start working on the online courses I'm taking.  Which probably explains why I never post much.  It also probably explains why I have next to no social life.  C'est la vie, I guess.  It also probably explains why I feel my transition is going absolutely no where at the moment.

I really need to work on voice, body, hair removal, and other feminization processes before I really feel that I can comfortably present in public.  I also need to sit down and have the dreaded conversation with my boss.  I am not looking forward to that.

As to the personal work to be done, I'm hoping to get started on hair removal soon, though one place I wanted to try hasn't responded to an e-mail I sent them.  I may try calling them on Monday, as they are not open on the weekends.  If I can get the electrolysis through them, it would be very nice as they do the Novocaine shots there, which is very beneficial since the topical analgesic don't seem to work for me anyway.  If this works correctly, I will be very happy.  I just hope that they're willing to stay later on Friday Nights.  Since they do the Novocaine there, I might see about getting two hour treatments every time.  With that, I should be completely clear inside of two years, and clear enough for presentation inside of six to eight months.

For the voice work, I'm trying to find options to help me learn to talk like a girl.  It's not just the range or pitch that defines a voice as masculine or feminine.  A woman speaks differently than a man.  The language she uses is different, as is the inflections.  I'm considering doing the vocal training at TCU that's been recommended by both my old counselor (who is no longer in private practice) as well as my new one.  I may have to e-mail my old counselor for the contact information to them again.  I just hope that they work on weekends or can otherwise make arrangements.

For the body, I'm working on an exercise routine that will help me to loose the “bad weight” that I seem to have gained somewhere in the past year and a half.  This bad weight is mostly in my stomach, however I need to be very careful with how I do the exercising so that I burn the calories off and (at most) tone the muscle that I have.  I don't want to add muscle mass if I can at all avoid it.  The other things I would like to do are a few feminization things, mainly in the face.  Hormones will take care of some, but not all of it, so I'm prepared for some minor corrective surgery.
Speaking of hormones, I am hoping to get to a position where I can adequately start them in the next few months.  I know that they will help with several things, including body hair, that will help me to feel more feminine while wearing comfortable clothes.  That said, however, I want to go full time as a girl within six months of starting hormones, that way the surgeon that does the gender reassignment surgery (GRS) has plenty of material to work with.

Now with work.  For the most part, I don't think that work will be able to really accommodate the changes that I am planning, so once I'm ready to go full time, I may start looking for jobs and interviewing as a girl.  This will make some difficulties, especially with the previous position references, however I think that I can probably succeed.  This isn't to say that I don't think my present employer is bad.  Quite the contrary, I love working with the group.  The problem is that I, personally, feel that the transition will cause too much of a distraction or otherwise impede the company's objectives, and that I don't want.  I know for fact that there are several there who would have severely negative reactions to the transition, and there would likely be no end to harassment (though I believe that most of it would not be on a conscious level).
Well, that is my current update.  I may post more when I'm not quite as sleepy.  Or, if my calculations are correct, I'll have my nose buried too deep in studying sociology to be able to write more.  Oh, well, 'tis life I suppose.

Trip to Florida

Last Tuesday and Wednesday, I drove 900 miles from Texas to Florida to see the last launch of the Atlantis shuttle.  That was quite nice, as it was a beautiful launch by NASA.  The shuttle went up right on time, I believe that it went up right at 2:20 PM EDT on the dot.  It was quite breathtaking to watch 2,030 tons of human-made machinery and 6 humans lift from the ground and make a b-line to it's orbital track.  I nearly cried after watching the shuttle take off.  She flew quite beautifully, and I was extremely happy to see her fly.

In other news, Mom and I had our conversation and it went well.  Now I truly feel that I will be able to transition without fear of rejection from her.  I also believe that I will not have rejection from my father, as he was quite accepting during and after our conversation several years ago.  The rest of the family, however, I rather doubt that I will be able to keep.  I think that my grandmother is accepting, and I know that my step brother is; however my biological sister is probably not neither is the rest of my egg-donor's side of the family is not accepting at all.

This is leading to some very tough decisions, of which I believe that I have come to terms with.  Unfortunately, I realize that I will lose all contact with the majority of my living family.  If things go the way I'm expecting, the way that things are leading, I will have my mom, my dad, and my step brother as my family, combined with my chosen family.  The rest of my blood will have nothing to do with the “abomination” that I'm making of my body.  My biological sister cannot accept my choice to live my life rather than keep a mask.  She is perfectly happy living as a tomboy, but I am not able to live as a male.  I guess that it's partly because being a tomboy is perfectly acceptable in this society while being a “sissy” is not socially acceptable.  At least, that's my opinion.

I'm going to start counseling here in June.  I also hope that I can start permanent hair removal, and slowly start working at my transition.  I also need to start working on my voice again.  Hopefully, I can be around the house for a few months and try to get comfortable enough to leave the house.  I'm very nervous, as I feel there are several markers that would out me.

Well, I'm off to bed.  I have a few more days on vacation before I head home.

Moving more toward blogger

Well, I've considered relocating my blog here to Blogger.  Realistically, this won't change much on the blog, considering how much I write anyway.  My reasons for this follow several considerations.  First, LiveJournal is now owned by a Russian company (called SUP: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LiveJournal).  While I do not really consider there a problem with it being a Russian company, I do not feel that certain bits of information are "safe" in the laws there.  With Blogger (owned by Google), I at least know that there is a reasonable amount of protection for personal information outside of what I choose to share.  The second reason is because, in many ways, I am trying to start over with my blogging and actually write one entry a week, probably on Friday, to document my progress through my transition.  Granted, this will probably last about one week (this post) but I'm going to make an effort.

The one real problem that I've found so far with Blogger is that they don't have a downloadable desktop client.  I know that I can utilize Windows Live Writer, though I'm not entirely sure how well that will work with Blogger.  Maybe I can write something if I'm ever not so burned out with computers.

To be completely honest, half of the reason that I don't really update my blog is because I work on computers all day and rarely really want to touch the thing when I'm not at work.  The main reason I'm on the computer now is talking to friends on IM who are not in my local area.  But, I will bite the bullet and try to update here.

Now, for an update.

Over the past several months, I have not dressed as I would like.  Unfortunately, I still posses the fear of showing my real self in public.  This isn't to say that there is a problem with being a girl....It's just to say that the idea of dressing "against the norm" rather scares me.  Specifically, I have an illogical and irrational fear of being attacked while presenting as a girl.  And the attack itself does not scare me, both because I'm a martial artist and tend to legally carry a weapon for self defense.  What really frightens me is that I could be placed into a position where I am forced to end the life of someone else in order to save my own, thus staining my hands in their blood.  Realistically, I realize that this is a mostly baseless fear, being that I don't live somewhere like the middle east where I would be executed for being me.  A good friend helped me to work through the issues, and I feel that it is just my subconscious mind poking at that which does indeed frighten me.  As such, I am going to work to conquer this fear and utilize it as a strength.

In other news, I'm headed to Florida to spend time with my family.  This will really be the first time that I will be able to talk to my mom without worrying about someone barging into the conversation.  For me, this is important, as I discussed being trans with her over the phone but we have yet to actually sit down and talk about it face to face.  I guess that happens when we live nearly 900 miles apart.  I'm very excited by the idea that I will get a chance to talk to her and hopefully explain things.  On the same coin, however, I'm also nervous and uncertain what I should say.  I guess that I'll make it up as I go and pray that there is not a miscommunication.  Gods willing, things should be fine in the conversation.

I also need to start working on my voice.  There are several options for how to proceed with this, though I'm not entirely sure which ones I should take.  The other thing that I am doing is looking at getting a new counselor.  My previous one switched her focus from individual counseling to education and closed her private practice.  She was going to sell her private practice, though I'm not sure where that idea lies.  I dropped an e-mail with another counselor and am hoping for a reply soon (in the next week).

Well, that is about all that I can think of to say here.  As I said previously, I'm going to try to post at least weekly.  Not sure how well that will work out.